Awkwardness..

Everyone has a friend to share their things or thoughts about, but me.. I kinda lost all of them after secondary school. You had always been my faithful blogspot these years. From all of those i couldn't put them in speeches, they'll all end up with you. Its a shame you couldn't respond them, but im grateful that you faithfully kept all my hearts here, you're probably the longest relationship i had so far haha, though, most of them are all of sorrow reminder and thoughts of my past. Of course there's always an intention of mine to have you spread my thoughts to the person im writting to, but... You're just a blog. 

Awkwardness, the most hard-felted feelings in the world which are neither love nor hate. I don know how im suppose to put this but, well i stalk, i stalk a lot only to those i trully love. A horoscope article i read explained the behaviour of mine as a lack of security, and I admit, but at the same time, i thought girls needed their partner's accompany a lot too :( 

Well, today i stalked her again; rather to say that i stalk her everytime i misses her. There are a few post which i don know who are they referring to, but part of me wishes he's me, for i haven loses hope nor love. We constantly, or should i put it coincidentally sees each other in uni, and they remind me of my mistakes of being too hasty. A hokkien proverbs spells a sentence, "jiak kin long poa auo". And everytime we tend to meet parallel-ly, i try to do other things to distract myself, or as long as we do not have any eye-contact. It....hurts so much that its hard to describe in words. I would really love to let her know how i feel, but i don think its the right time yet, plus, im not some guy who is good at expressing myself, this is no excuses, rather to say just to let you know of my lack..

I.. I don know how i should continue this blog content. I just hope in any odd day she might open her browser and click on my blog to understand my thought, which i fear is not very possible. (How i wish just to let her know and tell her we are reversible... that, we can have another try)

I think i have gravely put too much in blog to tell you how i feel... Well, hopefully this one last time-----?

16 Nov.

能與否？

或許你需要的時間，正好是我常煩你的時間；你有空的時間，也變得是我最能找到你的時間，導致了你沒了私人空間。我沒有留意到，我深感抱歉，那是我的失算。也許曾經我那麼說過「你的時間是我的」，當時的小認真與玩笑，成了現在你的煩惱和憂愁。實話說，也許再來一次的話，我可能還會犯，可是我會比較小心了，在懂得和了解你以前，我應該保守點。如今的每一個信息回覆，都成了我最擔心的事。擔心無時無刻我都會被換下來。如此深愛的你，請問你可以高抬貴手嗎？

曾經曾經，我對彼此的未來抱著極大的期待，正因為我相信我們的愛情真的會永升至最後。今日她已盡模糊了～明明是了解她會想太多，我卻還是放任她獨自一個人去想，如此奸詐惡魔的我，成了造就今天的我；不該讓她一個人，此事明明就是兩個人的問題。此刻的她腦海裡只剩對我的不滿和煩惱，而這也深深的印在她的腦海裡，我還有重新開始的機會嗎？

好想能再與她一起的話，不管三七二十一的懲罰或命令我都會去效法。這是我欠她一輩子的債；愛，極強烈，也同時可以帶來最大的恨；此時我不敢再去打擾她了，當愛成仇，我將永永遠遠的失去最心愛的她～ 回味著每天的信息，每天的問候，早安晚安的祝福語, 它是如此的甜蜜，證明著彼此對對方的心意～能的話，我想和你從"心"再來過，忘了曾經的過去，相信著彼此，我愛你。

To you.

To the girl i love.
I know its been hard for you, im pushing you and its seems like the whole world is giving you pressure. But i stand here, to let you know that the moments we were together, though just as friends, they were the best moments of my life. You were as attractive as an angel, your round eyes and your sexy voice. We started speaking to each other as if debate, you and me fighting and pushing. I started picking you as if it was planned by a friend, i was very nervous and i tried to be steady. When we know more of each other, i had already fallen for you. Possibly love at first sight, possibly you were just too attractive :) You asked me once when did it started, honestly, i don know. I never took count, by the time i know i was already submerse in the love river. You are sweet, possibly the sweetest moment was after the supper at Bing, when i "suan" you sleeping late every night or go cinema every night, i was simply touched by how you reply 😂
I was and am always lucky to have you remind me to sleep by 12 or before, though simple act but, they're heart-warming :)

Its funny that you always forget, sometime it makes me wonder whether you fake forget or really forget haha. And though i always used dumb or 傻 on you, most of the time, i refer you to as cute or adorable haha. There you go, man's secret .. I know its not easy, having us both so close but not having a status, that is why i dated you out to confess, part of me actually knowing there will be a challenge from your parents side, but it had to be done haha. Plans and preparation were made, and though i was still late to pick you up, hiking was my major plan to either hold you hand or carry you up, though it sure didn end up the way i expected. And most unexpected was what you had answered me.... My comment to you now is... You really were what you said you'll be, especially now :3

To the current issue, well. I have not much to say because, it was my fault, it always had been my overthinking, and overthinking never leads to positive thoughts. Honestly i never thought i'll be annoying because it was out of the question but you probably feel it because i'm to naggy and you were busy too. Though thats the case, my problem solving method is one of the worst. Seriously.. If i had just, if we just talk, probably we wont end up where we are now. To cry or laugh at my stupidity, honestly, i have no idea. But im writing this because i know i'll be annoying you again and i messed enough and caused a lot of trouble. I just hope if you read this, and possible by chance, please find me. Im not giving up that one person who i love yet, these absence days had make me realise how important, cherish-able and irresistable you had been to me. How lonely and heart broken can it be when not being with you. Here, i end my express-ion.